Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Spray Paint Crimes

Ladies and Gentlemen of the blogosphere,
It is my pleasure to present this, my eighteenth birthday blog. Yes, I actually feel different, knowing I have added the much acclaimed digit to my age.

Of course, this "coming of the age of reason," as it is referred to by the cultured and affluent, gives me the allowance for certain things. Probably, the foremost of these things comes to mind immediately; indeed, the thing you think of soonest may be, to some people, the single most important decision a young man can make, assuming he has already decided to follow Christ. With this coming of age (at least to the federal government), comes the potential for downfall, much evil, and a lifetime of shame. Folks, I am serious. I am sure, very sure, that by now you know what I'm referring to. I'm referring to purchasing a can of spray paint at Wal*Mart. Yes. You heard me right. Wal*Mart, in response to the innumerable heneous crimes associated with spray paint, has a policy of "We card under 18" for all spray paint purchases. Oh, yes, folks, let's applaud them. "Good job, Wal*Mart! Thank you for saving us the awful chaos of having minors on the street toting SPRAY PAINT!"

For crying out loud, LET ME HAVE MY SPRAY PAINT!!! It distresses me when a cashier, likely younger than I, asks me "Uhh, I'm sorry, are you 18?", and I have to respond, "Uhh, no." when for all practical purposes I AM!!! What great transformation takes place on the morn of this much acclaimed day, the 18th birthday, that merits such unsolicited perceived growth in maturity? I submit that NO ONE has EVER gone to sleep on the eve of their 18th birthday (or more likely, on the morning of it), after having gained experience in the art of graffiti, and awakened the next day deciding, "Uhh, I feel different somehow. I think I'll quit doing graffiti and turn to a life of labor." I don't think so!

And of COURSE! wherever there is a villain, there is an accomplice. That's the worst part. Bueller's does it too!

Sherwin Williams to the rescue. Yes. They would sell me spray paint, but... they don't carry the spray variety! Only buckets! Lowe's. Yes. They sell it to minors, and not only that, they actually stock the stuff. Wow. What a menace to society. A LARGE store that DARES to sell spray paint, the evil substance that can lead to the life of guilt. Shame. How can one face one's family after a bout with the stuff? Please, grocery stores of these *Untied* States of America, save us from the everlasting crime of graffiti! Deny the abominable substance to ALL who dare to attempt a purchase without first identifying themselves as 18 years of age or more! And give us FREEDOM! Freedom from minors armed with the potentially *harmful*, highly pressurized, and infinitely sinful cans. Freedom to wake up in the morning with the full assured knowledge that our garage doors (out here in Amish Country) were not painted shut, and that the red oozy stuff on the remains of a broken mirror IS indeed blood, so that we can panic and call the ambulance.

And please, OH PLEASE, DON'T SELL THEM TOILET PAPER!!!

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Let's not forget cigarettes and rubber cement.

By the way, I took care of that book.

Anonymous said...

What about firecrackers? Now That's worth turning 18 for...lol!

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Anonymous said...

I must admit that I never knew that minors cannot purchase spray paint; probably because I've never had the occasion to purchase it. But, you make me eager to throw my "18 years of age" weight around and go out to buy. . . . .a can of SPRAY PAINT.

Patrick said...

One thing that we are forgetting in all of this, is the amount of damage that can be wrought with a single can of spray paint. Graffiti? Vandalism? Any of this uh, ringing a bell? The government doesn't want immature teenager, who roam the streets with nothing better to do, to have the opportunity to do extensive damage to others property.

Nic Miller said...

Actually, Patrick, the fact is, I didn't forget that. As facetious as I was being, I was really more ticked at America's youth in general that at Wal*Mart.

Anonymous said...

hola! me gusta tu site. es muy comico. quiero comprar pintura!!!!! hahaha

Anonymous said...

Si, yo quiero comprar pintura tambien. Tu tienes um "sense of humor" mui mui estangeiro. (Please ignore the murderous mixture of spanish, english, and portuguese.)

Paul Yates said...

Bravo! And let's not forget spray paint's evil cousin, the corrective fluid better known as "Whiteout"!

But to be honest, they are only trying to keep kids from "whiffing", I believe that's the term. Inhaling fumes. Now how stupid is that? I don't even like smelling anything that gives me a headache. But I bet they'd sell you a can of that purple PVC cement.

Janet Miller said...

there r a lot of advantages to being an 18 year old LOL! but Im proud of Wall*Mart 4 saving the rest of the town from having to endure Grafitti (sp?) all over the walls of stores in our town. I like to Paint and draw but not on walls. (I learned at an early age not to draw on the wall paper!)it was one of those: "Mommy SMACK" moments....L8r

whimsicalfaery said...

The term is huffing, Paul. Not that I'd know from personal experience or anything.

Anonymous said...

Congrats Eric, When I turned 18 I was finally able to buy my own ammo for my gun. Until I told them I was shooting it in a hand gun.... In order to buy the same rounds for that you have to be 21!!!

Anonymous said...

it's a good idea to keep minors free from this deadly menace to society. we know that spray paint is only the first step into a drug-ridden life of crime. thankyou walmart for stepping up and protecting mankind.

p.s.: ever tour new york city and see their streets. ever wonder why they have such a high crime rate. it's all in the spray paint. thankyou for alerting us.

Anonymous said...

i'm surprised that a Christian like yourself supports graffiti and the destruction of property. i'm sure there are books in the public reference books in the library that can change your warped and idiotic ideas about such violent behavior.

Nic Miller said...

Why do people like the above HAVE to sign in anonymous? I WAS KIDDING for crying out loud!! I KNOW that Graffitti is bad, (although sometimes its beautiful as an art form) and I really understand why Wal*Mart is doing what they are. Please, its exhausting to take serious criticism for a [intentionally] humorous writeup!

Selah said...

Haec Fun being 18,Nic!The world and time DON't Slow down!!!I'm already 25 and it seems like yesterday that I was turning 21.
Happy belated birthday!!....